Tuesday, March 22, 2005

It was just like dialogue written for a movie

After doing a little research, I have determined that I was suffering from an overabundance of the element earth, which made me melancholy. Leeches would never have worked anyway, since I was not suffering an overabundance of air to make me overly sanguine.

As much as I did not want to admit it, I was aware of the fact that two years ago last weekend Dennis told me that he wasn’t sure he wanted to be married to me anymore. I don’t like the idea of negative anniversaries, but the cause of my melancholy has become incontrovertible.

Last night, I was watching movie called Danny Deckchair while I was working on my quilt. Let me explain this quilt. When Dennis got his own apartment, it was with the explanation that he just wanted to see what life was like without me. I said that was fine (I even took him a housewarming present) but that life without me involved a lot more laundry. You see, I bought all of his clothes and when I finally found a pair of pants that he liked, I would buy another pair every time I went to Target. The same goes for underwear and shirts. He didn’t like shopping but was picky about his clothes and I loved shopping and wanted him to be happy. I also do not like to do frequent laundry. Personally, I own 45 pairs of the same type of underwear. So, when Dennis left, I kept a third of his clothing. When he announced that his move would be permanent, I used most of what I kept as leverage to get things that I needed, such as my computer files and some of my books that he mistakenly took. However, I kept the underwear. I bought all of it at The Gap because before I started buying it, his mother bought this gross polyester too-tight stuff from K-Mart. The Gap makes soft, all-cotton, well-fitted boxers with cutecute designs like lemons and monkeys. Dennis used to express such pleasure at finally being comfortable and not so sweaty. I was left with about 18 pairs, decided that some art had to come out of this dynamic of our relationship and so the idea for my quilt was born. I am using the silk left from my bridesmaid dresses and these great squares of cotton.

So, I was working with this quilt during this difficult weekend when this paragraph of what I would like to say to him popped into my head fully-formed. Later, I realized that it was at the moment in the movie when Danny tells his partner that the relationship started in their youth didn’t have a future and she agreed with tears. I try not to involve Dennis in the ups and downs of my recovery process because he has so often misused that privilege of emotional intimacy since he left. Usually, when my brain manifests words that I want to say to him, I work it over and over in my brain, trying to get it just right since I know he will not respond and give me a chance to explain myself. Often, I end up writing them in my journal and keeping it to myself. However, this was an emotional salve that was immediately ready. I said it quietly and calmly to his voicemail, although my hands and voice shook and it took some time to get it all out. There was no bitterness.

Hey Dennis, it’s Rebecca. It’s been two years since you told me you weren’t sure you wanted to be married to me anymore and I wonder if your life is better for it now. Mine is. I had always thought that I wouldn’t be able to live without you but I guess I can. It turns out that although I gave you the power to ruin my life, you actually couldn’t. [I can’t remember this next sentence but it had something to do with hoping things were getting better and going well for him.] I love you Dennis. Bye.

That was last night. All day, that sensation of being out of balance has been gone. I figure it was a good deal less painful than leeches and less annoying than eliminating root vegetables from my diet to reduce the amount of earth in my life.

1 comment:

Susan said...

I have said it before, and I know i will say it again...You are one of the strongest and most amazing women I have ever come across, and my life is better for having known you! I love you Murph!