Saturday, August 08, 2009

Hopefully

Over the past couple of days, I've made an interesting revelation that is liberating in its own way. I was having tea with a good friend of mine and admitted, without really intending to, that I hate being at home all day from 9-5. I don't enjoy either implementing the wedding plan or finding a job. In fact, trying to find a job actually makes me feel bad. But that's what I need to be doing all day from 9-5. This generally involves being at home on my computer. When I have a job and I have a shitty task, it's OK because I have at least one co-worker that I like hanging around with on breaks and stuff. But at home, there is only me. Feeling crappy about the work that has to be done. Sometimes, I cope with this by not doing the work and surfing the internet or taking a nap. This does not get the work into a more completed state and generally makes me feel worse about the whole predicament when I realize how unproductive I've been all day. Especially when I realize that Jacob spends all day doing stuff he'd rather not do but he gets paid. Now, everything sucks AND I'm living off a sugar-daddy whom I fear will ultimately resent the mis-match.

This kind of thinking has a tendency to spiral in a downwards direction. When that happens, I try to go for a walk or do some yoga. Sometimes that works. Otherwise, I give up for the day and read a book or watch a DVD. That's at least productive int he sense that my creative muscles get a work-out.

But it liberating to actually name this thing that makes me feel so bad: I don't like being at home all day.

Hopefully, the next step is being able to say to myself, "OK, that's stinks, now suck it up and get some work done."

Hopefully.

2 comments:

amy said...

I feel exactly the same way. and what makes it even worse is having another person home with you all day that you are not allowed to talk to and have to spend all day trying to ignore. its incredibly lonely feeling. And looking for a job always makes me feel bad too, like I suck for not having a job. it makes me place value on all these petty little things and makes me awfully depressed.

in other words i am right there with you! you can always send me nonsensical chit chatty emails when you are getting bored.

megan said...

Rebecca, I completely understand. And I felt guilt any time I WASN'T looking for a job. It's made me so much more excited to start a job that I didn't even want at the beginning of the process. Happy hunting!