Friday, May 22, 2009

Weeping pile of gratitude

Late on Saturday night, I sent out the email to the 15 women that I want to be part of my bridal brigade. Every one of them had been so excited on the phone when I asked them but I think that I have had a fear that they would look at this weirdly-shaped thing that I was handing them and ask, "So what exactly am I supposed to do with this thing?" I think I have worried that I would have to walk them through the steps of celebrating me since it is outside the traditional realm. I think I have been anxious that I'll be disappointed.

I have this same fear regarding our alternative gift registry. I am nervous that I am asking people to move too far outside of their comfort zone and so they'll balk and I'll end up with less than if I'd just chosen something ordinary. And by "less," I mean less experience, not less stuff. I don't care about stuff.

This fear is only slightly rational. I have had occasions where no one wanted to go with me on an adventure (photobooth crawl birthday party, anyone?) but I think this fear is mostly based in my insecurity about not really being known by anyone. My insecurity that people only let me tag along from time to time because I'm entertaining and slightly wise.

But it seems like my fears and insecurities are being put firmly in the corner and told to take a time-out. 40 hours after I sent the bi email out, I learned from a mole in the bridal brigade that "reply all"s have been whizzing through the internets and that "everyone is so excited!"

My mole did ask me right then, "So, what do you want out of this thing?" but she was asking out of a desire to give it to me, not out of a protest that she didn't know what to do next. I have been feeling so relieved and overwhelmed with a sense of grace because I've gotten what I want already: my friends are stepping up to the plate. They're willing to play my game of Calvin ball despite any discomfort they might feel. They're willing to try. They want to try. I haven't had to coax them at all. No one has worried that I won't like what they come up with. They believe that I love them enough to be delighted with whatever they come up with. They are not worried about my judgment or my disappointment.

I am a fairly abrasive woman with a huge sense of entitlement.

That they are acting like I am better than that - and therefore not to be feared - has reduced me, quite literally, to a weeping pile of gratitude.

1 comment:

accordionsandlace said...

Oh I am so glad for you and I feel this entry--this amazing feeling of friends proving to you that you have better and stronger friendships than you realised you did. This is the stuff that makes wedding planning pretty awesome!