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To be honest, it's a little embarrassing to be getting married again.

Actually, to be more specific, it's embarrassing to invite people to another big, formal wedding.

It feels like I'm saying in essence, "Right. So, I know I fucked up before but could we all just pretend that didn't happen and just try that again?"

It's embarrassing.

Won't people resent having to give me a second wedding gift?

Won't people look at me with a little smirk in their eyes?

I won't blame them if they do.

How could anyone take me seriously when I say, "Until death do us part"?

On a different level, I find that the process of finding a caterer and a venue and deciding about flowers and a dress is making me sore, like exercising a muscle that I pulled years ago. I get grumpy and distracted from the ache. I get particularly upset when people give me well-meaning advice about logistics. They do it because they love me and want to be helpful but it's like they've poked my bruise. I respond quickly and sharply. Don't they know I've done this before!?!Luckily, I've managed to keep those responses to myself for the most part.

There is also a deep sadness that lives within me a lot of the time now. It feels like mourning but I don't know where the grief is coming from. Is it residual hurt from the divorce? Is it a longing for the innocence and consequent enthusiasm that will not get relived?

I've started seeing my therapist more often to try to heal the wounds and to try, especially, to make sure that I don't displace my frightened anger from its true source (whatever that is) onto Jacob. I have faith that as I work through this, my currently hidden excitement and joy and peace and graciousness will emerge.

I miss them.