Sunday, March 22, 2009

Left out

When I started grad school last year, I fell in with a group of friends for the first time in my life. I reveled in always being included, in feeling like I was appreciated and liked as much as I appreciated and liked them. I made me sparkle a little.

We began to drift apart last spring and I'm OK with that. We've gotten together once or twice as a group since then and relived our connectedness but I think we're all OK that we have new groups now.

When one of those friends announced tat he was getting married, he also began to say that he was sad because he was not going to be able to invite many friends since both of their families were so big. Since I know that the pressures of the guest list are intense, I made sure to take a moment and say that I would not be offended if he didn't invite me.

And he didn't.

And I still am not offended.

However, the Facebook status of the other members of the group indicate that they're all in the town where he lives over spring break, which is when he's getting married. There are a couple of other people from school down there as well.

I'm not offended but I'm a little hurt. I guess I didn't expect that he would not invite me for some reason other than finances.

So, I don't know what to do now. I was going to spend a day of my spring break making them a quilt as a wedding present. Now, I'm not so sure.

I'll probably go through with it anyway. I designed and created personalized fabric for them so that money is already spent. I'm planning to make the same kind of quilt for the other people getting married this summer so at least it will be a good practice run.

It stinks that I'm fantasizing just a little that they will feel bad that they didn't invite me when they receive it. I don't like myself when I am confronted with undeniable proof that I am a small human being. I'm like the bad fairy in Sleeping Beauty.

Maybe I'll just keep chanting "forgive, forgive, forgive" while I sew.

1 comment:

Rachel said...

At least you're honest with yourself (and others). And you recognize at least part of what's going on.