Sunday, December 30, 2007

Lonesome Heart Blues

That's right. Yesterday, we had a total of 20 long-haired friends of Jesus packing a grey-toned micro-bus. Then, when we got home from the field trip, my brother Paul and his new fiance, Kimberly joined us for dinner and BINGO. All 20 of us are sleeping at my mom and dad's house these last two nights. I'm a little exhausted emotionally but this opportunity really only comes around once a year, so it's worth a little crabbiness.

It's the unfortunate irony of life that rewards the people who are closest to me with my crabbiness because they are the only people I feel comfortable being fully myself with.

I have struggled with feeling lonely this break between quarters. I hope I used that word right. When I lived on the island, my friend Elaine, who insisted upon correct grammar, answered my question about how she was by saying she was "lonesome." This brought me up short because of her straight-forward honesty and because I don't normally hear the word "lonesome" outside of country and western songs. So, now I'm always self-conscious about how I use the words out of respect for her. For those of you that are wondering, "lonely" is an adverb and is used to describe verbs and other adjectives mostly. Since I was describing a verb - feeling - I think it's correct. "Lonesome" is an adjective and should only be used to describe nouns. In the sentence, "I am lonesome," where the verb is a verb of being (am, is, was, are, etc.) the word is a predicate nominative and is describing the subject of the sentence which is a noun, and so can't be in the adverb form. Do I have this right? Help me out here people.

Regardless of grammar, I'm feeling incomplete and a little sad looking into the future to think I might always feel this way. I can be content with my crafts, my community and my god and I absolutely believe in letting partners fall into my life naturally rather than hunting them down. But that means that there are periods in my life in which it's just me against the world with occasional help from my friends and family who all have partners of their own.

Now is one of those times. I'm not dating anyone and my single girlfriends live far away or have grown away from me. So, right now, there is no one for whom I am their #1 friend and he or she is my #1 friend. It makes me feel lonely even when surrounded by at least 18 people who absolutely love me. I've watched several movies lately (Stranger Than Fiction, Juno, etc.) that make me feel good but also put into words that there IS someone out there who thinks the "sun shines out my asshole" whether I'm cranky or jubilant and I know that person is worth waiting for. But in these times of feeling incomplete - when I have to push myself into participating with my family because family is the most important thing in a partner-less person's life plus I'm going to be distracted from my empty feelings for half an hour while we play Fox and Geese in the lopsided circle that my cousin Jake created in the snow - in these times, I can't wait to meet that person.

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