Soliloquy

Last night I ushered at the Chicago Shakespeare Theater and got to see their production of Hamlet from spectacular seats for free.

I haven't been going to church much lately.

What do those two have to do with each other?

Before I answer that, let's throw a few more ingredients into the pot.

Matt seems willing to hang out with me even though we broke up and although I know it's a terrible idea, I've decided to continue hanging out with him because my heart is happier when I'm with him and I'm giving it (my heart) permission to hope that there's a chance we can get back together. "Why not?" I tell myself, "I've never been Ducky from Pretty in Pink or Skippy from Family Ties." I say, "Life's an adventure and it's good to experience new things."

I will be 29 years old next week. This didn't seem like such a big deal until I saw a commercial that asked, "Are you overweight and over 30?" Connecting those two states of being drove it home that some things - like losing weight or finding happiness - might actually be more difficult in another year. Before that commercial, 30 was just a number.

In two weeks, I would have been married for 7 years.

When I called Jeffrey - the man who was my partner for a year and half while I healed from my divorce but who I never fell in love with even though I really wanted to because I was pretty sure he couldn't fall in love with me - he was twitter-pated with happiness now that he's finally found someone that he can fall in love with. Needless to say, she's not me.

Although my job is just fine, I'm not very passionate about it and I wish I had a better work ethic because it's good work that needs to be done. I will do a competent job but it will only be competent, not brilliant. This makes me wonder how I'm ever going to be content. I'm starting to worry that I will be content when I have a relationship to work on and a family to raise. But that leaves me pretty S.O.L. because one can't manipulate a personal life towards that kind of fulfillment like you can if a good career is what will make one happy.

My new friend Jess got a roommate and forgets to call me now.

I quit the music team and no one has noticed. The music director didn't even respond to my letter of resignation.

My new haircut requires glasses with rhinestones in the corners or black eyeliner to be anywhere close to sexy.

Judge Mathis sent me a letter today trying to get me to take my ex-husband to small claims court on national television.

Hamlet says, "To be, or not to be--that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep--
No more--and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished."

The heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to. Not shocks that are out of the ordinary. Natural shocks. In fact, these slings and arrows are so expected that they are our inheritance, something that we are bound to get, like an heir is bound to get family fortune once the patriarch dies.

Now, my uncle has not killed my father and married my mother. I'm not feeling suicidal. But Shakespeare is the greatest writer ever because 400 years later, I can explain why I haven't been to church lately. It is so much work to take arms against a sea of troubles. I'm tired. I can't see how all of this outrageous fortune will resolve itself and I don't know what resolution I want to work toward. Hamlet does not seek out the ultimate sleep because he does not know what awaits him after death. He is cowardly. I am home tonight rejoicing that there is a fifth episode of Grey's Anatomy on the DVD that I started 4 hours ago because I do not know what awaits me after all of this shit sorts itself out. Wisdom tells me that it will sort itself out. Wisdom tells me that this melancholy is not merited: this is not that hard when compared to other times in my life and definitely not when compared to the lives of others. But sleep, it is a consummation devoutly to be wished. I want not to be for a little while.