Yesterday, I went to see my massage therapist, who I have known for 10 years.
She said, "So, mumble mumble getting married!"
I said, "How did you know?! Has my mother been talking?"
She said, "Wait, I'm getting married!"
"Oh! So am I!"
Yes, folks. It's true. Jacob and I have made the decision to get married sometime in the fall.
I enjoy being in his presence and I have very tender feelings for him that make me want to sacrifice my own comfort to make him happy, which is what I consider to be love. To quote Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation, "My neural pathways have become accustomed to [his] sensory input patterns."
However, this is not what make me want to marry him. I have felt those emotions with other men. They are necessary to the process of marriage, but they are not quite enough.
I want to marry Jacob because he wants the same things out of life that I do. He wants to make the world a better place through intentional community and by being a good person. He wants a family full of laughter and simple living. He wants a life that honors God.
More importantly, I want to marry Jacob because I know from experience that he is willing to do the hard work of compromise that is required for a long-term relationship to work. He has demonstrated with his behavior and said with his voice that I am more important to him than just about everything else. Because of this, I can trust that any hurt he may cause me will not be through selfishness but will be unintentional.
There is a great freedom for me in that. Because he is deliberate about treating me well, I am free from the fear that I am not worth being treated well. I can become everything I want to become and do all the things I want to do in that safe circle created by our partnership. It is the closest thing that I will find to the unconditional love from God that gets reflected through my parents and my brothers to me.
And I intend to take advantage of it.
Jacob believes that I am capable of reciprocating this attitude. For that, I love him and will do my best to live up to his expectations.
If I do, I will come much closer to being the good person that God wants me to be.
2.24.17 - Thanks for all the sweet words about the finished knit blanket. I love it so - and I love how it's making me think about slow knitting. The beauty and magi...